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I've been 'dealing' with depression for a number of years, and when I'm having a good moment in time it's great; I'm dealing with it fine, I can ask for things, I feel 'full' of a sort of contentment that just sort of vanishes. It's like I can't control how I feel, it get's too much for me to even put a fake smile on and pretend all is okay. It all happens in a few seconds, I just feel like I vanish from myself.
It's frustrating because there are so many things that I'll be wanting to do, but it's like I physically can't because the beast that is depression has it's hold on me and it just won't let go. I want to brush it off and try to change my mood, I want to be able to feel just an inkling of the happiness that I've felt, but depression just takes that all away.
Whilst it's been a few years since my depression was at it's worst, and I definitely think that I've come a long way since then, dealing with it hasn't got any easier for me. I try to just go with it and see what happens, and try not to spend too much time alone when the beast is at it's loudest.
Nothing angers me more than the fact that most of the time I'm feeling okay and I can deal with things, but when it all gets too much I just fall to pieces and there's nothing I can do about it. I want to say 'not today depression' but it's like a physically can't. I want to achieve and be happy, but this mental illness is just trapping me in a section of myself and won't let me out.
I don't really know what I'm trying to get across in this post, other than it's not always as easy as simply picking yourself up, or putting on a brave face. The grip that depression holds is much stronger than that. it can't always be helped by a few tips or a relationship or a sunny day. Sometimes the depression is too much, but it won't be forever.
Depression won't always cooperate with how you want to feel, but you don't have to always cooperate with how depression wants you to feel.
Em x
The Calm Zone
Depression Alliance
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